A.L.I.C.E.

[Designation Alice]

Being off-campus again felt good. Alice had been too trapped in her own head lately, and being out and about in Paragon was just what she needed. Everything going on at school seemed insignificant when she was out in the real world again. It didn't matter if she was patrolling or if she was just wandering around the Boardwalk at Talos, or roaming the streets of Atlas Park, her worries faded from her mind and she was able to focus on everything but herself. For most of the last month, Alice had spent all her time locked up at the school, and she was getting sick of it. Even without the lock-down caused by the incident with the Loa, the damage to her knee had been too severe for her to want be too reckless with how she moved. She'd refrained from dancing, jumping, patrolling, and was even careful to keep the majority of her weight resting on her good foot. Alice doubted whether any of her classmates had been aware of just how bad the damage she had done to herself was. Now that the Loa was gone, everyone had gone back to business as usual. Their troubles were over. The illusions had faded and no one seemed to be feeling any side effects. Alice wondered if any of them still had nightmares, or if they would catch their hauntings in the corner of their eye. Every few minutes she found herself turning her gaze downward for a subtle look-over to make sure she wasn't plastic.

The relief she felt was only partial when she was greeted with metal. The damage she had done to herself was extensive, and psychologically it was now almost impossible to not think about how horrible the metal felt. She was intensely aware of just how uncomfortable she felt in her own body. The majority of the students at Westbrook were far too invested in themselves to observe what was going on with others, so Alice doubted anyone had noticed how troubled she still felt by her episodes. It was rare to find someone at school that actually cared about things outside of their tiny spheres of existence, and even rarer to find people that would actually acted on what was going on around them. Roach was one of the few people who seemed to pay attention to the world around him. Granted, he had a bit of an advantage but even without his psionic abilities, Alice was sure he was a very perceptive person. He had to be. Still, she was grateful for his powers when he had come running to the infirmary the other night. Alice had been panicking as Scott Frayes, the mechanic she had hired to fix her knee, began looking her over. She had researched his shop thoroughly, but Alice hadn't been worked on ever since her Guardian had taken her in and the thought of having someone poking and prodding at her was terrifying; especially when that someone was an unusually tall man that was able to bend her back into good shape with his fingertips. The man had done good work, though. Her knee felt as good as new.

Alice hop-skipped across the rooftops of Galaxy City in great big leaps with no trouble at all as she headed for Gemini Park. She wasn't entirely sure why she wasn't using both legs to their full potential. She supposed it had become habit for her to jump forward on one foot to cover more distance while her knee was in disrepair. Alice's second foot touched briefly against the rooftop as she jumped forward again, clearing the next building entirely as she landed at the edge of the one after it. Alice halted abruptly, curling her toes over the edge of the building to dig into the stone wall. There it was again. That horrible sense of vertigo that began in her core and traveled up to her head. She went rigid in an effort not to sway as the wind whipped around her. From this height, a free-fall would damage even her. Alice took a breath. This had been happening with growing consistency ever since she had tried ripping off her faceplate. The eyepiece was damaged - too damaged for Mister Frayes to fix it while she was conscious. Alice clenched her jaw, taking a few deep breaths as she locked into place and dimmed her eyepiece, the equivalent of closing her eyes. Sometimes the dizzying sensation was brought on by fast movements or when she tried too hard to focus, and on occasion it would happen for seemingly no reason at all. Alice took a deep breath of cold air as she waited for it to pass.

Once she felt steady again, Alice's eye lit up. Good. She wasn't seeing double anymore. The cyborg girl exhaled softly in relief as her lens clicked a few times. She waited in silence to make sure she had her bearings before a muffled sound greeted her ears. Alice twitched her head to the side, lowering her gaze to the alley between her building and the one across from her. Voices. There was a group of people moving in the shadows. Alice's eyepiece clicked, and she dropped into a crouch as her eyepiece zoomed in with a loud, jerky whir. Hellions. There were six of them in the alleyway. Alice's eyepiece clicked. They were armed. Each with guns. Some with knives. A few with baseball bats strapped across their backs. Click. Their body temperatures were raised: they were excited about something. A flare of fire blinded Alice for a moment and she winced. Click. Three of them were crouched low, nearing the middle of the alley as the other three inched in slowly from the entrance, making loud noises and laughing as they kicked over crates and metal trash cans. They were saying something. Alice lowered her head, twitching it to the side as she listened. One of them jeered in a sing-song voice. "Come out come out wherever you are!" Another person was there. Alice straightened her head, gaze darting to the far end of the alleyway against the brick divider. Her scope zoomed in as far as possible before clicking again as her eyepiece changed filters. There she was. A woman crouched behind some crates, frantically trying to use her cell phone. She was trapped.

Alice tensed her legs and pushed off from her perch, falling forward toward the building across from her. She twisted in mid-air, pressing her feet back against the wall for a split second. Metal scraped along stone before she pushed off, propelling herself back toward the opposing wall, but now she was eight stories down. Twist. Scrape. Push. Twist. Scrape. Push. Alice fell in a controlled ricochet, slowing her descent until finally when she was twenty stories up, she let herself fall. Guns flicked out of her wrists into her hands as the laser targeting in her weapons and her eyepiece lit up. One gun aimed right for the middle of the back of the Hellion in the lead and without hesitation Alice pulled the trigger. The rubber bullet shot forward, hitting him square between the shoulder blades just before she hit the ground with a loud thud. Her knees bent, compensating for the impact as her feet shifted and her other arm fixed on the second man in just to the left of her. The nonlethal round hit him in the bicep, sending him careening sideways into the metal trash cans just as her first target hit the ground face first. The four Hellions still standing remained in stunned silence for a moment as their hearts began to race. Alice's lips pulled into a grin. This was the part where she was supposed to say something clever. Some kind of cool catch phrase.

Alice's hand swept to the left, angling back at one of the gangsters trying to pull his gun. Her rubber bullet slammed into his wrist, sending his weapon clattering to the ground as he cried out in pain. She'd have to think of something later. Alice's head twitched slightly. Footsteps behind her. She dropped down, ducking low as the baseball bat hit air. She spun in place as she tensed her legs and one of her guns snapped back into her wrist. She curled her fingers into a fist, and her hand hummed with a sudden excess of electricity while she built up a charge. The cyborg girl twisted and punched upward, straightening her legs. Right uppercut. She held back of course. Bone never did very well when it was slammed with metal, and though she was fighting she didn't want him to spend a month with his jaw wired shut.

Just as soon as it had appeared the electricity had absorbed back into her hand again, forcing it to twitch with the sudden surge. Her spin continued as the man flew up into the air, and the gun remaining in Alice's hand fired again, aimed straight for the gangster with the steel knife. What did he really expect to do with that dinky thing anyway? The rubber projectile hit the man square in the chest. She'd missed her target - she had been aiming for his shoulder. Her targeting sequence was off - a side effect of the damage to her eyepiece. She wasn't particularly worried about that at the moment though. In fact, her mind wasn't really focused on any conscious thought. Her body went through the motions for her. Everything was automatic. Every motion was rehearsed, and the cyborg girl's lithe movements mimicked that of a dance.

Alice could hear the last Hellion pulling up his weapon even before she had turned back to face him. The gun was heavy - she could hear by the grunt in his voice. It was clumsy. Loud. An automatic. She twisted, raising her right arm as her gun snapped back out of her wrist to fit snugly in her hand. The dot of the laser landed on his forehead. Her index finger curled and as she pulled the trigger, Alice could feel something was wrong. Her finger tensed. Time slowed to a crawl. She knew this feeling. The feel of the metal. It was familiar. A metal round was inching from the chamber of her gun, sliding down the barrel. Everything began to tingle as Alice panicked. She was too late. There was nothing she could do to stop it.

Bang.

Alice swung her arm far to the right, sending the bullet flying through the rusted metal dumpster before it buried itself in the stone wall of the building. She ducked down and rolled off to the side, curling up behind the pile of trash cans and heavy crates as the Hellion opened fire, spraying bullets down the alleyway. Alice's hands trembled as her programs went haywire and both guns snapped back into her wrists. For a few horrible moments it took everything in her just to breathe. Her heart was pounding, and suddenly she realized that was the only noise filling her ears. From the sound of it, he was struggling to reload. Alice tensed her legs and bolted upright, darting from behind her cover out into the open. She barely touched the ground as she covered the distance between them before she jumped up, hurling herself straight for the man with her legs kicking forward. Both feet collided with his diaphragm and he fell backward onto the ground. He hit the pavement hard and slammed his head back, rendering him unconscious. The cyborg girl didn't stop moving. She jumped into the air, vaulting from his middle to leap away from the scene without looking back. The cornered civilian crouched behind the crates stood up and fled the alleyway, avoiding the crumpled gangsters that had been left in a daze behind her.

Miles were covered in seconds as Alice bounced from rooftop to rooftop, breathing raggedly before finally she let herself slam into the ground and come to a rest in Gemini Park. She fell forward onto her hands and knees, staring down at the grass as her eyepiece whirred wildly. Her fingers curled, digging into the dirt as she gasped to catch her breath. Her body continued to shake with anxiety and she gulped down the chilly air, holding it in her lungs for a moment before exhaling softly.

Just what the hell was that?

[Designation Alice]

Thursday, March 25

Alice sat quietly on the couch with one of the throw pillows in her lap. She tugged at the little tied strings hanging from the edges and twisted at the bead as Ms. Wilson sat in the chair across the other side of the coffee table. Alice's gaze flicked up at the timer, waiting for the next minute to pass in silence. Ms. Wilson just sat there, watching her expectantly with her hands in her lap before finally venturing, "Are you sure you don't want anything? Tea? Water? A cookie?" Alice rolled her eyes, tilting her head to the side.

"I don't eat."

The woman winced for having forgotten. "I'm sorry kiddo. When you have that belt on it's easy to forget you've got enhancements." She pauses before carefully adding, "Is that why you wear it?" Ah. So it was a set up question. She probably hadn't forgotten at all. Alice returned her attention to the tassels coming from the pillow, clamping her mouth shut again. More silence. Ms. Wilson shifted her weight in her seat, crossing one leg over the other. "... We can talk about anything you like in here you know. It doesn't have to be about your childhood or the circumstances surrounding your modifications, or even the hauntings." She offered Alice a warm smile, and was greeted with more indifference. "... This is your second visit, and you have yet to say more than ten words." Ms. Wilson's voice was mothering and kind. It felt strange to hear someone speak to her like that.

Alice kept her gaze locked on the pillow. Her lips pressed together in a thin, unhappy line as her brow dropped with concentration. She began to braid the strings. "High school is really stressful," Ms. Wilson spoke again, "Even without powers. It must be even harder with them." Alice's frown deepened. "--Classes... Exams.. Teachers... Peers... Relationships... They can all get to be a bit much, hmm?" The young blonde girl finally twitched her head in a faint nod. She already knew where this conversation was headed, and she didn't want to talk about any of that either. "When Joe lost control like that it must have been really frightening." Alice chewed on her bottom lip. More silence.

Finally, Alice spoke. "Terrifying." She waited a beat as she thought. "I didn't want anyone to get hurt because of me."

Ms. Wilson could tell she was breaking a little bit of ground. "Why do you feel like this is on your shoulders?" Alice gnawed on the inside of her cheek. "He attacked Roach because of me." There was another long pause. "Because Roach told Joe he liked me. So that the-- I don't know. 'Competition' would be fair. So they both knew. And Joe and I had had sort of had a--... Flirtation, in the past." Before she knew it, Alice had begun explaining everything. "We went to the movies once. And then we went to the Valentine's dance. It was... awesome. The best dance I'd ever been to. He was late, by an hour or two, but I mean. He showed up."

Alice lifted her legs to cross them into a lotus position on the couch. "... He didn't see any of the mods. He was such a funny guy. Didn't let any of their poking and prodding get to him." She pauses and adds, "The other students, I mean. Every invasive question they had, he had another evasive reply. And he was such a good dancer." She began working on braiding another tassel at a different corner of the pillow. "... But I didn't see him again after the dance. Poof. For a month. Didn't even know if I'd ever see or hear from him again. Was just gone. Next thing I know -- the Loa is making me try to rip my face off and Joe appears again! Out of thin air! Started calling himself my boyfriend 'n crap. I... Well I stopped him. Right then and there. Froze up. Asked what he was talking about. Reminded him he'd never asked me to be his girlfriend. He got kinda quiet. Agreed he had messed up. I told him I didn't need a boyfriend. I needed a friend. That a lot of shit had happened and I needed someone I could trust and rely on. He could try to earn my trust back and see how things went from there." Alice bent her legs up to her chest, hugging the pillow. "I mean, I've got enough abandonment issues y'know? Losing my parents - and then my Guardian going off to Afghanistan again... And--"

Alice abruptly cut herself off once she realized she'd begun talking. She clammed up again, hunching her shoulders and ducking her head down. Ms. Wilson only smiled softly over at her, tucking a tuft of long dark hair behind her ear. Alice tore her gaze away from the pillow to stare at the walls. "This is a safe place, Alice. You can say anything you want here. You don't have to worry about other students or teachers. It's confidential." Alice nodded curtly, taking a deep breath. "... He got kind of clingy. Didn't act the way he used to, really. Was nervous. Trying too hard. I.." She sighed softly. "... I kind of wonder if he liked me because I knew what it was like. To look so different. To be trapped in metal. Maybe he thought I was the only girl who could ever like him."

The minutes ticked by as Alice stared at the timer. "... I wish... I wish things had gone differently. I wish we could... I don't know. All have been friends. Just hang out together. Maybe he would have just. Gotten over it and wouldn't have cared if I dated Roach--" She let her words hang in the air, staring blankly down at the coffee table. "Kiddo, Joe was an unstable young man. Whether he had found out Roach liked you now, or a month from now... I think he would have handled it the same. You can't beat yourself up for that. And even if you feel responsible for Roach and Gwen getting hurt, you were also there to stop him. Joe lost control. The possibility for him to lose it was there right from the start."

"... Yeah. Maybe." The young girl fell silent again. She unbraided the tassels and shifted her weight on the couch. "... Can I go now?"

"You still have twenty minutes left."

"I know -- I just.." Alice floundered for a reason to escape. "I just. I told these other girls I'd go shopping with them and. Gotta uh. Make friends and respect the hierarchy, you know?" Ms. Wilson, still smiling, gave Alice a nod. "... Alright then. We can end early today. I'll see you next week." Alice nodded and dropped the pillow back down onto the couch before hurrying out of the office.

[Designation Alice]

03/25/2011

Hi, I guess.
Ms. Wilson says I should start keeping a journal as a way to get my thoughts out of my head. I guess it's a good idea. I told her I could just keep logs in my head. That I can record the day as I please, and she said that didn't count. That it wasn't the same. That I needed these thoughts OUT, not in. And recording things is different from recording my thoughts on them. I guess that makes sense. I don't know what to write about, though.

I almost can't wait for classes to start up again. I feel listless. Too much time to focus on everything else that I don't want to focus on. I'm worried for Roach. I've been considering sneaking after him and Eli. But he'd never forgive me for that, would he?... Maybe waiting outside is enough. Lingering outside in the front... Or in the back. Maybe that's close enough without making him mad. He'll be too focused to know I'm there... I hope. With the connection, I can't tell. I can usually feel where he is but... Well I haven't been focusing on anything else lately. All his powers will be raking through the minds of people there so he can get the job done. But if things go south and I pop up... If I pop up, he probably won't forgive me, right?... I couldn't handle that. I'll wait outside. Maybe watch who goes in. Flirt with the bouncer. Listen to what's going on inside. I can do that.

We have a date later today. A real date to the movies. I actually told someone about it. Two someones. Eli and Etienne. Eli made me kind of nervous but... I tried to explain. It's something unique. I think... even unique to him. I can't wait for the date. I hope I don't get a case of vertigo again. I need to get that fixed. Need to call Mr. Frayes and make another appointment. Maybe call Daniel to see if he can sign off, pretending to be Adam...

I'm scared. I don't want to go through with the procedure. What if I go under and don't come up for another year? He has to take my faceplate off. Roach wants to be there, just in case. What if he sees my face and he never wants to kiss me again? I... wonder what my face looks like under there. I know it must be bad. It must be like Joe's. I was in an explosion, after all. If they didn't care about the aesthetics of my mods, there's no reason to care about any other aesthetics right?... Sigh. Depressing. I don't want Roach to see, but I'm too scared to go without him. He'd be able to calm me down, probably. I need to call Mr. Frayes. I can't keep having these malfunctions.

I wonder if I'll dream.

-A

[Designation Alice]

03/25-26/2011

"You can't doubt yourself 'bout every thought. You just gotta hope they're right."

....

I officially have a BOYFRIEND!

He likes me just the way I am.
I wonder if he'll do some crazy display so other people know? I mean, he shouted that we were now dating in the dorms like, twenty minutes ago when it became official, but I dunno if anyone heard aside from the angry dude who woke up.
I was so calm at the time but now I feel so giddy!!!!! ~(>v<)~
We have another date today-tomorrow! It's gonna be great!

Quand il me prend dans ses bras,
Il me parle tout bas,
Je vois la vie en rose.

-A

[Designation Alice]

Thursday, March 31st

The minutes slowly crept by as Alice stared down at the timer. Why did these sessions have to be so damn long? She leaned back against the couch, letting her head fall back. She listened to Ms. Wilson sipping at her tea before setting the cup down on the coffee table. Alice didn't understand how the woman did it. How many students did they have who were like this? Who just sat there, trying to be indifferent. Somewhere deep inside, Alice felt a little bad for her. Ms. Wilson was there to help people, after all, and here she was being denied her whole purpose at the school. Of course, it didn't matter how guilty Alice might have felt. There was no way she could tell anyone the things that went through her head. Most of the things that traipsed through her mind, she didn't understand. The few things she could piece together into coherent thought were things she knew she couldn't tell anyone. Not even Roach. She was careful to try and keep that part of her mind locked up, just in case. She didn't need to be labeled as the next crazy.

"So I hear you're due to be excused from some of your classes sometime soon."

Ms. Wilson nibbled at the edge of one of her cookies, studying Alice as she spoke with a warm, rich voice. Alice wrinkled her nose, nodding a few times in response. "Yeah. Going to get my eyepiece fixed. But you probably already know that right?" The woman smiled, "Are you excited to be fully functioning again?" Alice remained silent at that question. Her brows knit into a frown and she nodded slowly. One hand dropped to idly fidget with her belt. "Of course I'm excited." That wasn't entirely a lie. "Who wouldn't be? No more vertigo." That wasn't a lie either. Alice was happy over the prospect of losing that crippling sense of vertigo. She'd be able to go out on patrol again - hell, she'd be able to dance again. Maybe she'd be able to audition for the school play without having some sort of freak out. She felt a little out of the loop, sitting around school trying not to do anything that might trigger an episode. More than that, though, Alice was afraid. She was afraid of what had happened the last time she had used her guns. She'd very nearly killed a man. The thought had crossed her mind it was part of some greater malfunction. Maybe it was related to the scope. But maybe, if her scope had been functioning properly, that Hellion would be dead. Alice almost didn't want it to be fixed so that she might remain a broken weapon.

Alice cleared her throat, looking to the side at the various pictures on the walls to avoid Ms. Wilson's gaze. "It must be scary." Alice jerked a little in surprise at the woman's words, tightening her hands into fists. "Uh-- what..? What's scary?" There was no way Ms. Wilson could know what she was thinking, right? Her heart began to pound and she bit her bottom lip. "The operation. It must be scary to be operated on again." Alice exhaled a subtle sigh of relief, and relaxed back onto the couch. "... Yeah. I uh... I haven't been operated on since... You know, since the first time I woke up. Mister Frayes is a nice man but..." Alice shook her head. "... Hell, what if he puts me under and I lose another year? What if... What if he's really working for the Crey?" Her eyes locked on the coffee table in front of her, staring at the steam rising from Ms. Wilson's cup. "He took one look at my coolant and knew it was a Crey formula... How would he know that just by..." She sighed softly, shaking her head. Ms. Wilson waited for a long time before setting her half-finished cookie down on the little plate next to her tea.

"I assure you Alice, the school researched Mister Frayes thoroughly when you submitted his information. He doesn't have any affiliation with the Crey." Another warm smile. "He is just very good at what he does." Alice forced her gaze up to study Ms. Wilson's as she spoke, and she responded with a reluctant nod. "... Yeah, I guess... that's a good point." She exhaled softly, tilting her head back so she could stare at the ceiling. "And Roach is going to be there. So at least I won't be all alone this time." She began to drum her fingers anxiously against her knees, still staring upwards. "He even said he wouldn't look at my face. Said he'd wait until I was conscious and able to do it because I want to, not because I have to."

After a deep breath, Alice sighed softly, letting her gaze drift down to the bookshelves. "He's probably dead curious. Hell... I'm dead curious. But I kind of wonder if it's better not knowing. You know?... Like, maybe reality is worse than what my imagination says it could be..." She trailed off in thought for a moment before shaking her head. "But at the same time, maybe it's... not as bad as all that... And I can't remember what my face looks like - or what it's supposed to look like anyways, so..." She trailed off again, falling completely silent as she thought. Ms. Wilson waited a few moments before speaking, "Well kiddo, why don't you tell me what the absolute worst case scenario is under that plating of yours and what is the worst thing that could happen."

Alice gave the woman a look like she was stupid. "Um, oh I don't know, maybe I'm horribly disfigured and Roach dumps me? Maybe I don't have eyes, maybe my face is melted over, maybe my nose isn't even a nose anymore. I mean, have you seen the faces of people who are in explosions? Photos of soldiers from wars... They don't even look human anymore!" Ms. Wilson nodded quietly before venturing, "And what is the absolute best case scenario?" Alice shifted uncomfortably at the question, lowering her brow into another frown. "I don't know. Maybe I'm a super model under here. Totally intact. Nose... eyes... Good skin. You know. The kind of face people wouldn't look at and run away from."

For a long moment, Ms. Wilson remained silent before nodding along. "Well look at it this way kiddo. First off, your lips look normal. So the lower half of your face can't be all that damaged. You can grow hair," Alice raised a hand self-consciously to the top of her head. "so you know the top of your head can't be that damaged. All that's left is the middle... And tell me, during the Loa attack, you tried to rip your faceplate off, yes?" Alice nodded slowly. "Did it hurt?" Alice hesitated before nodding again. "The nerve damage on your face isn't so bad that you couldn't feel the pain. You might feel numb, most of the time, but your brain was able to register that pain. So what are we left with?" Ms. Wilson held up her fingers. "A beautiful pair of lips, real blonde hair on top of your head, and not enough nerve damage to be entirely numb."

Alice sat there in stunned silence, staring at Ms. Wilson like she was an apparition. The woman offered another smile, resting both hands on her knees as she crossed one leg over the other. "My educated guess says your face... While it may be damaged, is certainly not your worst case scenario. For whatever the situation may be under that metal, there are solutions. There are therapies for skin restoration, plastic surgeries for burn victims... Alice, you don't need to be afraid of what you might find under there, just look at the facts. It's not the end of the world if you see yourself and you don't like what you see. It's not the end of the world if Roach doesn't like what he sees either. You have options."

Beep. Beep. Beep.

Alice started as the timer went off. Her gaze darted down to the time before flicking back up to Ms. Wilson. She nodded quietly, feeling tingly all over as she stood up. "Wonderful session today, Alice." The girl simply nodded again, murmuring a strained, "... Thanks." She lingered in front of the coffee table for a moment, staring at the older woman's expression before turning to walk stiffly from the room.

[Designation Alice]

04/05/2011

Hi Book!
Everything turned out better than expected. Roach invited me along - he even took my advice and let Diego, Jessie, and Kai come along... And man, are we lucky they did. We would have been screwed if it had just been Eli, me and Roach. He would have overpowered us for sure. God knows what would have happened if Roach had gone in alone. Maybe that's what they were expecting... For Roach to work alone. I hope the fact that he didn't means that he's warming up to Westbrook more... Heh. If it is, he's a few steps ahead of me. He's got tons of friends and people willing to risk themselves for his safety.

I don't know how I'll ever repay Kai for coming along the way he did. I feel like I should bake him muffins or something but I can't cook.

I'm still worried about Zeke. I know this isn't the last of him... And Lovi, that was alarming... But I know Roach has gotta be okay. The campus is safe... And if anything happened to him off-campus, I'd know and I'd be able to do something. Zeke has been building something up, that's for sure... All those Freakshow, and Jules the way he was. Something bigger must be going on. Maybe I should go incognito and start poking my nose around.

-A

[Designation Alice]

03/12/2008

I came home to find him crying again today. I don't know how to make him stop... I wish... I wish there was something I could do. I walked in the door and he took one look at me and started crying harder. I went and hid in my room. Seven years. It's been seven years already. Why won't he stop??? Why won't he just STOP. He's not even taking care of himself anymore! It's like I'm living all alone here and he doesn't even care! He doesn't even see! I'm failing ALL of my classes! I don't have ANY friends anymore! I wish he'd just snap OUT of it and stay out of that stupid lab.
I could die and he wouldn't even notice!!!
I hate him! And I ha

[Designation Alice]

Thursday, April 7th

"It'll all be over in a few minutes... Just take a deep breath. Focus on the breath - in and out..." Alice was stretched out on the couch, eyes squeezed shut as Ms. Wilson tried to soothe her with calm words. "I can't--" The young girl choked on her words. Everything felt like it was spinning. She was having another serious attack of vertigo, and her hands were clutching to the couch cushions for dear life. "Take a breath.... and hold it-" Ms. Wilson was next to her, with one hand lightly touching the small field immediately surrounding her hologram. "Three seconds... And breathe out, slowly." Alice did as she was told, keeping her eyes shut as she breathed, trying to regain her sense of up and down. She made the mistake of opening one eye and quickly whimpered before shutting it again.

Ten more minutes passed before Alice was able to sit upright again, but Ms. Wilson urged her to lay back onto the couch, just in case she had another episode. "So you're still having attacks of vertigo I see." The woman calmly stated as she sank back into her large plush chair. Alice swallowed the lump in her throat. "Y-yeah... I... I was supposed to get my scope fixed but... Mister Frayes has had to temporarily close his shop for... demon trouble." Alice took a deep breath. "Wouldn't tell me much about it. Gave my Guardian a call and left a message, though. Telling him everything was rescheduled." Ms. Wilson nodded along, folding her hands together in her lap as she crossed one leg over the other. "Alice, I understand Mister Frayes probably has a lot on his plate right now, but you really need this fixed. It's affecting your day-to-day life now." Alice groaned, rubbing her hand over her head.

"I know, but... but it's not really affecting my classes that much. I just excuse myself until I recover and come back. I haven't gotten in trouble yet-- All my teachers are being really understanding." Ms. Wilson kept nodding along, but there was clear disapproval in her tone. "I wouldn't recommend you let this sit for another week Alice. You don't know what sort of damage was done to the organic parts of your body when you tried to pull that faceplate off... I think it's really important for you to see this through." Alice nodded reluctantly, cosing her eyes with the motion. "... You're right, I know you're right." She exhaled softly, "I haven't felt... that well lately. I keep feeling like I'm sick. Might just be from the vertigo but I don't know. I've started feeling lethargic - and it's taking me a lot longer to recharge. It has to be some kind of.. powerleak... Or--"

"Before we go on, can I ask a question?" Alice turned her head to glance at Ms. Wilson as she interrupted. She hesitated before nodding. "Why does the problem have to be mechanical?" The older woman leaned forward, studying Alice's features. "I mean... You say you're feeling sick. Why can't you just... Be sick? Is it possible that something is wrong with the parts of you that aren't enhanced?" Alice fell silent as her expression became a little dumbstruck. She turned her head back to stare up at the ceiling. Her eyes traced over the pattern of the wood. "I... I don't know... I just assumed. I don't think it's possible for me to get sick. My autoimmune system should be in top notch." Her voice trailed off as she spoke, and she sank into uncertainty thinking about what had happened when she last wrote in her journal. Roach had told her he thought it was a memory she had held onto, but Alice didn't know what to make of that.

"Wasn't there something coming up you were hoping your scope would be fixed for?"

Ms. Wilson's voice broke through Alice thoughts. Her gaze flitted briefly between the woman and the ceiling before she nodded again. "The uh..." When she replied, she spoke with far more timidity than usual. "The auditions for the school play are on Saturday." Ms. Wilson nodded knowingly, leaning forward for her tea cup that was full of an herbal brew that had gone cold by now. "I didn't realize you were thinking of trying out!" Alice practically jumped on Ms. Wilson's statement to correct her. "I'm not, I mean. I don't think I am. I'd thought about it, but-" Her voice tensed with anxiety, "But I'm not really acting material. And with my scope not fixed... All those bright lights... I might have another episode and I don't know if I could handle that."

Ms. Wilson quirked a brow, giving Alice an odd little look with her cup half-raised to her lips. "Another episode of... vertigo?" Alice stiffened at the question and quickly added, "Yeah, exactly. I just. If I get another vertigo attack when I'm up there - what if it happens during my audition? Or during the show? What do I do? I'd just.. die of embarrassment." That wasn't at all the episode Alice had been stressing over, but she wasn't ready to talk to Wilson about what had happened when she and Roach had been goofing around on-stage. She still got chills when she felt that song playing somewhere in the back of her head. She swallowed dryly, listening to Ms. Wilson begin talking asking her which was worse - being embarrassed over having vertigo during her audition, or not trying out at all and missing out on a fun experience. Alice nodded along every time the woman paused, knowing by now when she was being asked to chime in about whatever was being said. There was a long moment of silence, and Alice realized she was supposed to say more.

"I... guess that's a good point. Kai always tells me I'm a natural. He even thinks I could be a singer... Dancer, singer, actor. A triple threat, I think he called it?" Alice sighed softly, closing her eyes. "I wouldn't be bad, I mean... I don't think I'd be really bad at it. I just... Being up in front of all of those people, all of them staring at me... And those bright, blinding lights. It gets so hot and you just start sweating like crazy and you can't breathe or think and then all of a sudden you're choking and--" Alice cut herself off with a sigh, turning her gaze down to her hands. "... This seer kid. He told me I was going to audition. I'd been thinking about it, and now I just. I know I don't want to."

"Why?"

Alice kept staring at her hands, running her fingers together as her voice dropped to a murmur, "I don't know. Makes it seem like I'd only be doing it because he told me I would." The young girl sneaked a glance at Ms. Wilson to catch a soft smile as the woman shook her head. "Why did you want to try out in the first place?" Alice's tongue slipped out to wet her lips and she shrugged. "I... thought... I might make some friends... Working with everyone like that for a few weeks..." Her voice became thick with embarrassment as she ducked her head back down to look at her hands, tilting away from Ms. Wilson. "I don't know. It's stupid. Why would anyone want to be my friend just because we're hanging out working together on this play?"

"Do you hang out with the other students very often?"

Alice shook her head quietly in response.

"Well, maybe your instincts were right. Maybe this is a good opportunity to meet friends and interact with people in ways you normally wouldn't. In fact, I think working together in a play is a fantastic way to make better friends. You all have to work together to create a cohesive and beautiful performance. No one person can carry the whole thing. You'll have a lot of down time to talk and goof around - there will be the cast party and the rehearsals. I think it will be really good for you to break out of your... shell, a little." Alice's lips twitched into a smirk at that. Her shell. Hah. She sighed with a small nod as Ms. Wilson continues, "I think it will be a really enjoyable experience for you, even if you do end up having an episode on-stage... And there will be plenty of time for you to get your scope fixed between now and the final performance."

The timer went off, telling Alice she was free to go. She lingered on the couch, with so much unsaid, teetering on the tip of her tongue, begging to be talked about. The journal entry, for one... The episode she'd had on-stage, for another. She tightened her lips into a thin line and sat up. Ms. Wilson's smile greeted her and Alice gave a jerky nod in response. "... Could be nice just... hanging out with everyone like that. Usually too nervous to. I just get all quiet and make jokes instead." Ms. Wilson nodded, "It couldn't hurt to try interacting with the other students in another setting." Alice sighed and nodded, sitting up. "Thanks Ms. Wilson." The older woman nodded, finishing off her tea before leaning forward to set it down on the little table in front of her. "I'll see you next week Alice. Take care."

The girl nodded, pushing herself to her feet before heading out of the office.

[Designation Alice]

04/09/2011

I DID IT BOOK!
I got up on-stage and I auditioned like I just didn't give a shit about what happened up there on-stage and I DID IT. I didn't have an episode, I didn't freak out, I didn't forget what I was saying, I just. I just went up there and knocked it out of the fucking park! I have no idea how I did it - hell I don't know where any of that came from but I don't care. I am still riding high on that adrenaline rush!!!

-A

[Designation Alice]

Thursday, April 14th

Alice watched Ms. Wilson nibble on the edge of one of her sugar cookies, quietly mulling over her question. The older woman kept talking, lowering her cookie with her lips curled into an encouraging smile. "You don't have to answer, I thought I would just pose the question. Why do you think the Loa targeted you the way that it did?" Alice's lips thinned into a solemn line as she turned her gaze downward, shifting her weight. "Why would it make you try to rip off your modifications?" Alice dropped her hand to tug at her knees, pushing her fingers through the thin forcefield created by the holobelt. The image flickered once her metal hands made contact with her knees, and she self-consciously stopped, lacing her fingers back together.

It had only been a matter of time before Ms. Wilson started asking about the Loa again. That was, after all, the whole reason Alice had been put into these counseling sessions to begin with, but she hadn't been ready to talk about that. Not by a long shot. Too much other stuff had been going on, and more importantly than that, Alice hadn't trusted Ms. Wilson with that information. She wet her lips, lifting her legs to cross them on the couch as she stared down at the wood flooring. Seconds continued to tic by before Alice finally murmured, "I just... had to rip it off." She drew a deep breath, locking the air in her lungs for several beats before exhaling again. "It might have wanted me to kill myself, I don't know. I just knew that during my episodes... When I looked down I was... I was just this plastic mannequin - this plastic puppet without any distinctive features." Her voice threatened to waver and she knit her brows, mentally scolding herself.

Ms. Wilson remained silent, listening attentively as Alice continued. "I wasn't me anymore. I was just a thing. A thing that shouldn't move on its own. Something that... By design can't move on its own. I was in this awful place between being something to be posed, and being something controlled by the strings of--" Her voice thickened and she cut herself off to clear her throat. "--others." Her gaze locked on her hands, and she pulled one of the couch pillows into her lap to fuss with the corners. "... I had to get the metal off--" Her expression began glazed as she stared downward, "Like maybe if I ripped it off, I was somewhere underneath." One hand drifted to her ribs, right where her chest plate ended under the hologram. Her fingers touched lightly at the forcefield before returned them to the pillow. "Even after my episodes were over I felt... Claustrophobic. Like I couldn't think or breathe. Like I had to rip it all of. Because I'm still locked in here, whether it's plastic or metal, I'm still.... Stuck. Sometimes it's like I can't breathe. The small whirring of gears, the clicking of my scope, the clanking of metal if I walk too heavily. I hate it - I hate all of the sounds that are constantly going off in my head - the frequencies I can hear. All of the voices of kids talking in their dorms around me. The crunches of people eating, the sound of them rolling the food around in their mouths-" Ms. Wilson abruptly stopped nibbling on her cookie. "The gurgle of the food being broken down by stomach acid. My brain can pick through them all and analyze them all at once for me but I hate it. Sometimes I turn down my hearing or... or play music to drown it all out, but then I start to get paranoid. What if I miss something. What if someone down the hall is shouting for help. Maybe someone starts choking on whatever they're eating. What if my hearing is turned down and I miss it and someone gets hurt when I could have helped-"

Alice took a deep breath as she closed her eyes and shook her head. She'd begun to ramble, and somehow gotten off-topic. Her gaze drifted up to Ms. Wilson, who was sitting in thoughtful silence, studying Alice. The young girl shifted her weight, "... And that's why my episodes made me try to rip my mods off. If I didn't lock my hands together or busy them with something else... They'd just. Move on their own. They'd just fly to my mods and try to rip them off so I could be free. Maybe I'd live, maybe I wouldn't, but there was no... Logic like that. There was no 'hey if you rip this off you could die' I just had to get out. It was... the most basic need I'd felt." Alice rolled her shoulders, becoming intensely uncomfortable with every word. As though describing the whole experience were making her want to rip her mods off again. "I... That feeling, it planted that feeling in me. It's not something I can shake off. I'll be sitting doing nothing and suddenly I'll get hit with it again. The need to feel something other than the metal and the phantom tingling I get when people touch me. The need to rip off my mods and detach my arms and legs and just. Exist as an organic being free from the noises and-"

The timer went off, cutting Alice off. Her gaze dropped to the little clock, and Ms. Wilson leaned forward, lowering her hand to shut off the alarm.

"You can continue."

Alice's brows knit together in an expression of confusion. "But--?"

"My next appointment can be pushed back an extra fifteen minutes for you to finish."

Alice shifted her weight awkwardly, ducking her head down as she lifted her shoulders in the beginning of a shrug. "... I don't know what else to say. I just. It took all of my fears and insecurities about not being me anymore and... Amplified them. Made everything more intense. And I don't think I'll ever get over the thoughts it gave me. When I'm functioning properly my memory is... Impeccable. For fully organic brains, memories usually fade. It makes it easier to forget shit. Makes it easier to move on with your life. But if I try - if I make an effort, I remember it all like it was yesterday. Like I can't get away from it."

"What about your memories before your brain was enhanced?" Alice looked up at the question and shook her head. "Almost nothing. A few vague memories here and there... Images, feelings. A few facts I think I can remember as true. Mostly nothing, though."

Ms. Wilson took a deep breath, with an unusually serious look in her eyes. Normally she was so warm and easy-going. So mothering. It was like nothing could get to her. Alice's gaze raked over Ms. Wilson's expression, beginning to read her microexpressions out of habit before dropping her gaze self-consciously. She wasn't supposed to do that. It gave her an unfair advantage. The dark-haired woman rubbed her hands together. "... Have you looked into demodification?"

"Huh?"

"Demodification. You told me most of your body is simply... attached to armor plating. Have you thought of having this removed...?"

Alice nodded slowly, "I've... entertained the idea. I haven't... looked into it though." Ms. Wilson put on a warm smile, "Well, this week your homework is to do a little research for our next session. We'll see if it's even possible for you, and go over your options so you don't have to feel like this anymore." Alice's gaze locked on Ms. Wilson again. She watched her with unwavering eyes before finally nodding, "I'll... Yeah. Sure, why not." The older woman stood, brushing her hands together to get rid of the cookie crumbs. That meant the session was over. Alice pushed herself to her feet, and the next thing she knew, the woman had pulled her into a hug. "Take care kiddo. I'll see you next week. If you need to shoot me an email, don't hesitate." Alice awkwardly lifted one arm around the woman for a half hug as she nodded before stepping away. "... Thanks Ms. Wilson. I'll see you next week" She rolled her shoulders back, taking another step toward the door, feeling as though she should say more before she finally turned her back on the room and left.